A helper...a wife

I am learning in my marriage mentoring that a wife is supposed to be a helper to her husband so that he can do what God has in plan for him that he can't do on his own. Together we have strengths and weaknesses that help each other out to be better equipped as a couple than when we were single. Instead of finding faults in our husbands, we are to see weaknesses that we can help.

I can definitely see that in our relationship and often find myself struggling to accept that I am to help, instead of changing him. This past week I found out that my guy struggles with finances. Except he kept it under wraps for a long time. Upon seeing an overview, I immediately noticed negative account balances and incorrect transactions that should not be charged to him. That's when I realized I had been helping so many people financially, yet my own guy was in the worst position of them all. Negative account balances. Plus lots and lots of debt. Too little income and too much in loan payments to even be able to move out from the parents' house. Hypothetically homeless.

I immediately wanted to rectify the situation, but I will have to wait for him to act instead of being controlling or nagging. I don't know the balance between that and saying too little. A lot of questions ran through my head and feelings of being deceived surfaced slightly. However, the pride that keeps such secrets hidden for so long is a sign of ashamed realization of one's circumstances. Instead of criticizing, I decided to cut him a check. I told him that next time he needs to ask me instead of letting his accounts go negative and shouldering the burden alone. I hugged him, and he asked me to sit next to him for a while. I tried to handle the situation by giving him the respect that men want. Does it mean not saying anything? I'm not sure. But this is how i felt i should handle the situation given what i have been learning.

Going forward what do I do? As a helper, I suppose I am helping him get unstuck. Unromantic as it sounds, I am literally his helper financially. This dynamic doesn't fit in your typical Christian box of husband/wife roles. However, I believe God will honor our temporary roles (or role reversal to some) just as much as a man-breadwinner/wife-domestic-goddess role.

When we are married, he will have his own place to live, independent of parents. He might be able to get health insurance, and just share in my earnings. Even if his loan payments clear out the little money he earns, he can still have food, water, shelter, incidentals through me. It immediately alters his situation for the better. I told him I will keep working so that he can go to law school. I told him I would help him pay for what scholarships don't cover. It is hard bearing the burden of knowing if I lose my job, we are superbly screwed. But if I think about how I am his helper and he needs my help, I find strength and motivation. One day, he is going to accomplish his calling or his dream.

It will definitely be hard to clean house, cook, run a side business, work, work out, read, and all the other things I do. Add a kid to the mix, and i have no idea how I could even not keel over. I feel like I am on a ship sailing into fog. I don't have the slightest clue the how's or the when's.

Like everything, God gives us the grace to gift us with our skills and our circumstances. Without Him I am nothing and have nothing. So I will humbly put my husband's needs before mine and be the helper he needs. Yee haw, bring on the upcoming battle.

Blown Away

I received two pieces of mail today. I opened them thinking they were bills or junk mail, coming from places that said "payment processing center."

The first one I opened was a check written to me. My jaw dropped at the amount. My young cousin asked that I not tell anybody how much, but I assure you, you would not guess it. She said it's an early wedding gift to help pay for the wedding. If that wasn't already shocking...

I opened the second envelope and it was another check from my aunt and uncle. My cousin's parents. Same outlandish amount. At this point I was not sure what to do or say. I can't even express how it feels.

I can't even believe... I cant even craft all my thoughts together. I called Ben after getting off the phone with my cousin. He was also speechless.

God provides. He not only provides for our needs, he even blows us out of the water. Just because. I am overwhelmed by a desire to bless others even more. I don't deserve this gift and God just blesses despite whether we deserve it or not, because that is His character. To ever think to worry about our finances is an insult to God's provision. I am so humbled by this gift. Humbled that he would desire this for me. Humbled that I would have never expected this gift from them in a million years. Humbled that I just can't know people's hearts. I got blindsided! I feel taken care of. Watched over. Overwhelmed by the generosity of their hearts. Overwhelmed by sacrifice. Loved. I feel so much grace and mercy poured over me.

I vow to pay it forward. I hope I never regret giving til it hurts. And I am sorry if I ever started backing off for fear that my needs won't be met. Even to spoil me like this, what a God. I hope that as long as I have a job I can continue to bless others. Because He first loved me, I can love.

I pray that God will bless them for their gift to us and that He will meet their needs. I hope that if they ever need anything I will be able to help. I look forward to the wedding when I get to see them. I am so surprised that they are also flying in to come. I haven't seen them in years. It is so shocking to me that people are willing to come at such a steep cost to them. Unmerited love.




"Great God of countless wonders, I will lift my eyes" - Chris Tomlin

You call that snow?

Here, it snows so much that I don't think I've ever posted pics of it. We had a white Christmas and the snow started on christmas eve. Without further ado...

Not a fan

I just finished reading "Not a Fan." It is about the difference between a fan of Jesus and a follower of Jesus. I found out at the end that it is written by Kyle Idleman of Southeast Christian Church in Louisville, KY, which I have actually been to. In God's providence I had the opportunity to go there when Ash lived there for about a year. It's really neat that these "coincidences" in life are a purposeful guidance of God.

Are you merely on the sidelines cheering on those who are following Christ? Do you love Jesus but you don't want to live your life as a bondslave to Christ? Are you willing to die to self and count the cost? It is a really high cost. But that's the undiluted truth.

Happy New Year!

Hope you have a wonderful 2013. I don't have any expectations for 2013, but I hope that I will allow God to continue using me to love others who desperately need him. I hope that I will "hate" the world in comparison to what I will gain eternally in heaven. To be irrational in the eyes of the world, to be foolish in loving, and to be fearless when obeying Christ. Sometimes I back down and cower back in my world of American comfort, but I want to keep going another step further.