I am learning in my marriage mentoring that a wife is supposed to be a helper to her husband so that he can do what God has in plan for him that he can't do on his own. Together we have strengths and weaknesses that help each other out to be better equipped as a couple than when we were single. Instead of finding faults in our husbands, we are to see weaknesses that we can help.
I can definitely see that in our relationship and often find myself struggling to accept that I am to help, instead of changing him. This past week I found out that my guy struggles with finances. Except he kept it under wraps for a long time. Upon seeing an overview, I immediately noticed negative account balances and incorrect transactions that should not be charged to him. That's when I realized I had been helping so many people financially, yet my own guy was in the worst position of them all. Negative account balances. Plus lots and lots of debt. Too little income and too much in loan payments to even be able to move out from the parents' house. Hypothetically homeless.
I immediately wanted to rectify the situation, but I will have to wait for him to act instead of being controlling or nagging. I don't know the balance between that and saying too little. A lot of questions ran through my head and feelings of being deceived surfaced slightly. However, the pride that keeps such secrets hidden for so long is a sign of ashamed realization of one's circumstances. Instead of criticizing, I decided to cut him a check. I told him that next time he needs to ask me instead of letting his accounts go negative and shouldering the burden alone. I hugged him, and he asked me to sit next to him for a while. I tried to handle the situation by giving him the respect that men want. Does it mean not saying anything? I'm not sure. But this is how i felt i should handle the situation given what i have been learning.
Going forward what do I do? As a helper, I suppose I am helping him get unstuck. Unromantic as it sounds, I am literally his helper financially. This dynamic doesn't fit in your typical Christian box of husband/wife roles. However, I believe God will honor our temporary roles (or role reversal to some) just as much as a man-breadwinner/wife-domestic-goddess role.
When we are married, he will have his own place to live, independent of parents. He might be able to get health insurance, and just share in my earnings. Even if his loan payments clear out the little money he earns, he can still have food, water, shelter, incidentals through me. It immediately alters his situation for the better. I told him I will keep working so that he can go to law school. I told him I would help him pay for what scholarships don't cover. It is hard bearing the burden of knowing if I lose my job, we are superbly screwed. But if I think about how I am his helper and he needs my help, I find strength and motivation. One day, he is going to accomplish his calling or his dream.
It will definitely be hard to clean house, cook, run a side business, work, work out, read, and all the other things I do. Add a kid to the mix, and i have no idea how I could even not keel over. I feel like I am on a ship sailing into fog. I don't have the slightest clue the how's or the when's.
Like everything, God gives us the grace to gift us with our skills and our circumstances. Without Him I am nothing and have nothing. So I will humbly put my husband's needs before mine and be the helper he needs. Yee haw, bring on the upcoming battle.
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