"You must individually receive your spouse as God’s provision… You must accept His gift. Receiving your spouse demonstrates your faith in God’s integrity. Adam’s focus was on God’s flawless character, not Eve’s performance. He knew God, and he knew that God could be trusted."In our pre-marriage counseling book, this was one of the lines that jumped out at me. That Adam didn't know anything about Eve other than the fact that God made her for him. Therefore he accepted Eve as a gift from God. He focused on God's flawless character and could have gratitude for God's goodness and plan; not on what Eve did or didn't do.
We have to accept and come to terms with the fact that we are a sinner marrying a sinner. Idealism has no place. This hard reality will hit us in the face time and time again, whether we have anything to think back on yet or not. Will you love and respect your husband despite deception? If he lies to you will you still respect him and not let how you feel affect your relationship or bring distance between you? Or will you hold a grudge and act cold until he asks you what's wrong?
We can show grace and mercy the way God shows us grace and mercy. The commitment of marriage creates a circle in which no matter what sins are inside that circle, that circle won't be broken. Yes, you may have a hard time trusting your spouse again; but our actions and our words do not have to display distance, disrespect, or lack of forgiveness.
Yesterday night, I thought of a book I had purchased for my fiance 4-5 years ago. I wanted to look in it to read about a certain topic and also thought a friend might want to thumb through it. He found the book and handed it to me while we were in the car on the way to pre-marriage mentoring. As I turned to a page I found a well kept secret of his that he had never told me about for years. It surprised me, but it seemed to go along with other things I had recently discovered he had been hiding from me. It explains some holes and also has an effect on something he has to face coming up soon.
I closed the book and my heart was heavy the whole night. I don't feel like confronting him about it at the moment. Maybe some day I might, but it doesn't seem to do much for me if I did right now. I prayed to God that he will help me forgive him and to not let my actions change; I prayed that I won't be holding a grudge with my actions or do anything that shows distance. I felt slightly sick to my stomach. I thought about another situation in which I know someone who broke up an engagement because her fiance lied to her and told her he was in college and really wasn't. This was about the 3rd or 4th thing I had just recently discovered about my fiance that he kept from me for years. Hidden debt, hidden financial irresponsibility, and now hidden academic failure. I remember this other girl telling me that if she had found out after the fact that she was married, she would have had her marriage annulled under the reasoning that it was deception and she didn't know who she was marrying. I wondered if that was the right thing to do, and if this raises red flags.
I really don't think I want to call anything off. For me, I want to create a safe place where he can bare his shame and be loved despite my knowledge of it. Why break a marriage commitment with someone over something you would not be able to break up a marriage over? Isn't it just like Christ to forgive us of our past, our sins, every dark secret, but love us anyway? If marriage is supposed to be an earthly reflection of the love Christ has for us, why would we do away with someone after knowing the fullness of them? Are we to judge how ugly someone else's sins are? The beauty of God's forgiveness and love is that it can't be broken. The beauty of marriage is that you shouldn't break it based on each other's performance. Knowing God first loved us, we strive to be selfless and put our spouses's needs before our own. We promise to stay together despite our actions, our highs and lows. Despite lies. Despite cheating. Despite every sin a human heart can commit. Are you ready to love this person no matter what he does, based on his heart and love for God, and his willingness to put God first, and live life the way God asks us to? It's hard to say yes, when you think about all the things someone can do wrong. But our answer has to be yes.
No matter how wonderful you think someone is, that person will fail at some point. We have to be at peace with it when it does. We have to forgive, and we have to reconcile. Don't let it drive you apart.
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