Secret is out of the bag today!

Today, I dropped off a 2002 PT Cruiser at B's house.

I don't want to think about how much the car ended up being after the fixes.  I know I'm at around market value, but I actually had a set fixed price that I wasn't going to go over.  I have a tendency to buy things and outstretch myself, so I said that if it's not for X price I don't want to buy it.  Well, that didn't happen after all the mechanical fixes.  I will have to make sure I cut corners and not spend any money these next few months.

I'm so thankful and excited to bless Ben.  This must be just a fraction of what God feels like. I have a hard time with guilt and sometimes I think I can't have anything good.  But my friend tries to remind me all the time that God wants to bless us.  It's just a little more complicated when we live in a broken world.

If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! Matthew 7:11

To me, I feel like I am loving someone when I can sacrifice my needs and wants in order to make someone else feel like their needs and wants are met.  When it hurts a little in the wallet, it feels like a success.  I end up in situations like right now, not having a washer and dryer for the past 9 months because I gave the ones that came with the house away to people who needed them.  When I was debating buying the car, I thought it was funny that I was willing to jump on a car that would cost more than buying myself a washer and dryer.  If I had the money, why didn't I get the stuff yet?  I also knew getting the car was going to help his whole family, because his 16 year old sister is going to want to drive soon, and they would have to get another vehicle or she would not get to drive one.  I figured this will help not just my boyfriend, but his 16 year old sister, his parents, and my coworker.  It's a win-win situation all around.

I kind of made my upcoming situation a little harder, since I had some things for my photography business I had to get soon, but I like the idea of challenges, and I also really enjoy blessing people and making sure they feel God's love.  I'm so deeply joyful about this, and I thank God for the opportunity.  I'm totally going to sleep with a perma-smile on my face tonight.  This is why I worked my butt off in high school in college, because I hated being the receiver and the wanter. I hated feeling trapped, I hated feeling like I was restricted to being a different person than I am.  Maybe I have a complex that I have to have God heal, like I'm so desperate to make others not feel the way I felt...it may not be a good motive.  But for now, I'm going to enjoy the bliss.

My boyfriend is so patient and selfless. I don't like to say people "deserve" material things, but I am so hopeful for him to be blessed or catch a break in life.  He struggles, but he waits patiently on God with such a positive attitude, that most people probably have no idea that he even struggles, or that he's been waiting forever on God.  To be able to do something outlandish for him is so exciting.  When I told him about the car, I put a picture of the PT in an envelope and wrote his name on the outside.  When he opened it up, he laughed because he thought I gave him a picture of a car.  When I told him I bought it for him, he was in disbelief.  He had the biggest smile on his face.  Then, after he tried to get it to sink in, he kept staring at the envelope with his name on it and was speechless.  I felt tears welling up in my eyes. I'm so glad he gets to drive a reliable car (at least for the time being, who knows what will happen later).  I know that if he had the money he would buy me one in a heart beat.  He is the kindest guy out there, and I don't use superlatives much.  I wish that I could clone his heart and give it out to my friends to put into their men.  :)